Boundaries and Giving

Last week I taped small group messages for the series “The Rules of Happiness” which we will be doing at the beginning of 2012. The series is based on a book by Henry Cloud (called The Law of Happiness). The book is about the intersection between the psychological research on what makes people happy and the commands of Scripture. Cloud’s book lists fourteen practices, attitudes and behaviors. In reading the book, I found many of the laws to be paradoxical. In the weeks ahead I will point them out.

Research has shown that happy people both have boundaries and yet are givers.
Happy people have boundaries. They don’t constantly just give to people but learn to say, “NO.” That might be surprising to us, especially in Church culture. Churches can often make us feel guilty for saying, “No.” HOwever, the we find the discipline in Scripture on many occasions. In the book of Nehemiah, Nehemiah is asked to come off the wall and talk to his enemies but he says, “No. I am doing a great work and cannot come down.”

Jesus told people “No” as well. Once, he exorcized demons from a demoniac. The man wanted to leave his town and go with Jesus. That seemed like a fine request but Jesus told him no.

Another time, the religious leaders asked Jesus a question about his authority. He told them he would answer their question when they answered his question. They refused and so he refused to answer their question.

Happy people can say no to others. They have boundaries and require others to respect those boundaries. But happy people are also givers and the clear boundaries allow them to say, “Yes” to giving. In fact, it is the clear boundaries which help establish a clear sense of self that allows them to give freely and cheerfully to others. Without boundaries, giving becomes a form of co-dependence. In Church work, I have seen far too many people give out of neediness because they don’t really have boundaries.

Boundaries help us acquire of sense of self that can be extended and given to others. Without boundaries our giving will stem not from a cheerful, free heart, but from guilt and manipulation. With boundaries we can set an amount of time to give, set an amount of money in our budget to give, and establish the emotional energy we are going to give away. At times we may extend beyond our budgeted time or money, but the boundaries allow us to know we are stretching or extending ourselves. Knowing we have extended ourselves we can account for the extra expenditure of time, money or energy. Boundaries are key to healthy giving.

What boundaries have you set for yourself? How have they helped you to give.